Frito Dogs and 13 Other Summer Bummers

Don't get me wrong—summer is my favorite season.* I love fresh air, extra daylight, beefsteak tomatoes off the vine, the smell of honeysuckle and fresh-cut grass, my blue hydrangea, the great stink bug retreat out of my house into the Great Outdoors. But summer has a few pests, as well. A tiny swarm of gnats, if you will. Nothing some DEET and a frozen poolside margarita can't take care of, though. So, spray your body, salt that rim and read on unafraid!

(Well, maybe just a little afraid.)

14 Summer Stinkers

1. Must the debut of the greatest season of the year bear the name of a certain vaginal cleanser? C'mon now. We can do better.
2. When Popsicle juice meets sand/dirt/clothes. Boss looked like True Blood's Bill after his wild berry ice treat today--blood-covered and dangerous (but not nearly as smoldering).
3. An average of three outfits a day for Boss (see above). Laundry is for losers, I keep telling myself. That mountain of T-shirts and shorts? It's better than leaves for human dive bombing.
4. The screaming bunny clawing a chalkboard in the yard at midnight during a cat fight. What?? Oh wait. I mean the sound of a @#&@*#&@! fox below our window looking to score. Get a room, Red. We've got a nice shed out back. See FatAss, the resident groundhog underneath, for keys.
5. Freckles … that move? Much worse. Deer ticks!
6. Turning my flailing-arm, bug-be-gone moves into a silly dance so as not to feed Boss's fear of insects. Video clips strictly forbidden.
7. Humidity hair. Or, Richard Simmons meets Cher. Hell, just Richard Simmons without a trim.
8. Later bed times for the kids. I blame it on extra sunlight. It's not because I'm a spineless Wimp or anything like that. Especially not when Boss pleads, “One more Thomas!” baring dimples while poking the air with his Lincoln Log-sized finger.
9. Outdoor chores—pool duty, weed hell, fountain scrubbing, shrub trimming, flower watering, curse-word bellowing. Your choice: A clean inside or a clean outside. I don't go both ways.
10. Fear of neighbors hearing me shriek at the kids when the windows are open. Just kidding. I'd NEVER do that. That's the crazy lady down the street, making a jackhole of herself. Nooooho-ho-ha-ha-ha. Never moi, silly!**
11. The neighbor's cats plucking our screen door, clamoring for vittles. Dudes, the restaurant is CLOSED! No more mooching from momster! (See #8. Wimpy left the premises.)
12. Sweat. It's my body crying.
13. Swimsuit shopping with new stretch marks. Thank you polyhydramnios! You should be pleased with your award for most fluid ever when Stinker was in utero. My ob/gyns were floored. And the floor in my delivery room—soaked.
14. Corn chip feet. Pass the dip, people! As in, dip those dogs in some bubble bath! Unless you want hungry cats, randy foxes and a chubby little groundhog licking your toes.

*Next up: what to love about sumsum.

**Psssst, Fox! We'll call it even. No charge for the shed.